I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
