Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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