But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
