Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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