i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
