puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
