I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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