My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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