OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
