Kiss
Puke
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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