He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
and she was petting her beer can
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
