i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
