I smell stomach acid.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
