Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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