i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
