i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
