alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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