I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
