I met the friendliest cop last night
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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