at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
