apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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