I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
