The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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