I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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