i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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