I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
