It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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