That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
