My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
