Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
A+ Viking dick
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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