What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
