Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
