Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
