OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
