I wanna bring you to show and tell
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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