my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
