In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
