My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
