two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
COCAINE IS GR8
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
