I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
