So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
