my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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