onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
