you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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