if only i could text you this smell
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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