I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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