bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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