I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
