i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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