Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
