why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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