Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
